DEAR ANXIETY..

You’re absolutely rubbish, but you don’t define me. I’m sticking one finger up to you & I won’t let you take over my happiness.

I recently opened up (just a little bit) about my struggle with anxiety & why I’ve been so MIA on social. This was bloody terrifying for me, in-fact I typed it & deleted it least 20 times before I finally posted it. Everything about my work embodies positivity, self-love & generally just encouragement to feel happy, so why would I ruin that with a ‘hey, actually, I’m not ok’ post? Well I finally clicked share & I’m so glad I did. Here’s why..

Your response to that one little venerable post was my realization that it’s ok to say I’m not ok & that I’m definitely not alone in how I feel. Not only was it incredible to read so many comments, DM’s & emails from people telling me I was going to be ok & that they cared - I received just as many from people saying that they felt the same (which was weirdly sad & comforting all at the same time).

I think I’ve denied my anxiety for years. Passed it off as ‘I’m just a bit stressed or ‘I’ll be fine once I get this deadline out the way’ but truth is, deep down I think I’ve always known there was more to it than that.

These last few months have been an eye opener for me (& the people closest to me). A buildup of everything I was doing (saying yes to too many things, working too many hours, sleeping wayyy too little, comparing myself to others, trying to please everyone but me & generally just not looking after myself) lead to panic attacks, feeling useless & uninspired, bursting into tears when I least expected it (most recently in a spin class..that was weird) scary palpitations & probably most soul destroying, losing my hair (this last one has a lovely way of bringing on all those other symptoms again *eye roll*). 

I want you to know that I’m not writing any of this for sympathy or attention, I’m writing this because I care & if reading this helps just one person feeling the same way then it’s so worth it. Mental illnesses have a funny way of making you feel like you’re alone in what you’re going through, but I’m learning that’s not the case AT ALL & that’s kind of helping me.

You never know who may have just started experiencing anxiety, been coping with it for a while, or about to kick its butt, one thing is for sure we all need to share more. Tell each other how we’re feeling even when it’s tough, check in on someone, ask them how they’re feeling, tell someone they look pretty, tell them your proud, send a nice text to someone you’ve lost touch with, ask someone what you can do to help, you never know, they might just really need it. If you’re feeling low, anxious, sad, depressed, worried, asking for help doesn’t make you weak. You’re allowed to feel things. You’re allowed to feel vulnerable. Do whatever it takes to get yourself back to 100.

The horrid thing about feeling like this is that it’s easy to portray that everything is fine (especially on social media) so just because someone looks put together on the outside, smiles in photos, shares every bit of their day on stories, writes funny comments, DM’s you, joins you on a brunch date, doesn’t mean that they’re not struggling on the inside.

So, this is a little open letter to my anxiety, myself & anyone who needs to hear this. You are not alone, it’s ok to not be ok & this unfortunate situation is a learning experience that will only make you stronger.

“When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment not the flower.”

Alexander Den Heijer

Nothing is fixed over night, and I’m certainly no expert, but if you need it, here are some small things I’m doing to make myself feel better:

• Take clear breaks away from anything related to work. (Watch a film, a documentary, read a book, listen to a podcast, meet a friend).

• Learn to say ‘no’. (More opportunities will will come, you’ll be grateful in the long run).

• When you’re feeling overwhelmed or out of control, step away from that situation & go for a walk. (Even if it’s just around the block).

• Social media detox (This is a biggie, but trust me, even just a few hours of ‘no phone‘ time is incredible. Try using screen time restriction features on the apps you tend to binge on).

• Sleep more. (This should probably be at the top, I’m learning you can’t underestimate the power of some good zzzing).

• Make more time for the people you care about. (Even if it’s just a quick phone call).

• Find a hobby that’s not work related / learn something new. (For me this is baking..I love it but never made time to do it. I’m making lots more cake than I’d care to admit right now).

Here’s to finding out who’s crowns need fixing & helping them glue them back together.

XO